Sunday, October 30, 2011

Naughty Minds

No matter how hard I try, I have a filthy mind.  In fact, a group of high school kids figured it out.  They'd tell naughty jokes and speak in double entendres just to see what I'd do.  Usually, I'd choke back a snicker and reply, "That's not school appropriate!"  Chortle, chortle.

My brain works against me, too.  Whenever I misread or misunderstand, my brain automatically slips dirty words into song lyrics and books.  For example:

Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping,
and I brought some corn for popping...

Turned into:

Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping,
and I brought some porn for copping.... (A feel?)

I accidentally did that into a microphone at our elementary school's Christmas sing-along.  It was a good thing many of them were dyslexic because no one noticed.

So, yesterday I watched the Conan: The Musical video and got a pretty bad case of the giggles.  Shortly after, my husband and I read bedtime stories to our song.  My little boy chose a Little Einstein book about things Violet sees outside in the snow.

My boy wanted Mommy to read.  Bad choice.  What it was supposed to say was:

What does Violet see?
She sees her boot prints in the snow.  

What Mommy said was:

What does Violet see?
She sees her boob prints in the snow.

I was already a little hysterical from "Da lamentations of da women..."  I burst into a fit of snorting giggles and passed the book to my husband.  "You read, I can't!" I choked out.

He read the next line.

They were deep and hollow.

More snorting, then a cackle.

The next line:

Then Violet took a picture.

That particular mental image sent me careening off my son's bed with gales of laughter.  Thank you, Conan, for ruining any chance I could ever read that book again without sniggering.

UPDATE:  Apparently I'm not the only one.

My second graders were practicing their Lewis and Clark-themed Christmas play last Thursday.  The boy playing York was supposed to say, "Look!  Native people!"

What came out was, "Look!  Naked people!"

You do me proud, kid.

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